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"I'd rather see the worls from another angle..."
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Aug. 5th, 2005 @ 11:36 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: I'M SENSITIVE~JEWEL
My father didn't come to my wedding... it was all planned for him to be there, tux paid for and picked up. The day before he got drunk and disappeared...he was suppose to be at my rehearsal, sober. I have to say I was devastated the day of my rehearsal when my mom called and told me. But at my wedding, it was like it barely fazed me. Which I guess was a good thing, but part of me hates myself. And I hate him for not being there. Kirk thinks I should find a way to talk to him and try to move on and forgive him. I am not sure I can do that, and I know if I don't and something happens to him, I will really hate myself. But how can I keep letting myself get hurt. I had so much faith in him, that he was going to do this one thing for me, I never did anything to disappoint him. Everyone tried to tell me he wouldn't be there, but stood up for him. On;y for him, himself, to knock me down harder than anyone ever has. At what point is it ok for a person to throw up their arms and give up. Because I feel like I have surpassed that point a long time ago. I think alot of people would have given up long before I have.
It's weird how I have given up and even though he is not in my life, he is still hurting me. Not directly, burt through the whole situation.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME WHERE I CAN'T BE ALONE FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME WITHOUT GETTING SO DAMN DEPRESSED.
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May. 30th, 2005 @ 12:57 am I am glowing...can you see me glowing...?
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: RUN - Snow Patrol ~ Our wedding song
It has finally happened, I am married to Kirk. What an amazing feeling it is, it is so much more than just a peice of paper. His vows were simple, yet so beautiful. The night was magical. I am glowing, I could light up the vegas strip. I not only married a wonderful man, I married into a truely wonderful family. I can't look at Kirk and not smile...he even brings me to giglles as if I am a little school girl. I am so excited about our life together, I love him so much. I wish more people could find what we have found.
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Mar. 9th, 2005 @ 12:23 am And soon the wedding bells will ring!
Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: wild horses ~ Jewel
There is less than 3 months till I become Mrs. Noble. I can not wait, although this is the time when everything starts really hectic. getting all the invites out and every last detail taken care of. But still I can't remember when I have been happier...even with all the agravating shite. Well thats it..short and oh so sweet. With such long time lapses between entries it is very possible the next time I post, I just may be Mrs. noble.
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Dec. 27th, 2004 @ 10:11 pm The best christmas present ever...
Current Mood: pleased
Kirk told me I am his best friend.
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Oct. 24th, 2004 @ 11:05 pm .....
Current Mood: crappy
Its when I relize that I was not thinking about him, that I feel the worst.
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Oct. 20th, 2004 @ 10:11 pm Unorganized Rambles
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: snow patrol ~ Run
I wish I could just close my eyes and type whatever comes into my head, it seems i can think better that way. Too bad I can not type better that way as well. A teacher of mine from high school passed away last week. I found out a couple days after his funeral. I wish I would have known sooner, he was such a great teacher. I would have liked to pay my respects. A person can probably only imagine how many ppl showed up. I hope he knew how great he really was. Work has been so up and down lately. For the most part its really sucks. But at lunch Its really fun, I swear I laugh so much. I should really go out with those girls sometime. Laughing is great for the soul. A couple weeks ago so much shit was going down. It was being discussed that I would take guardianship of my neice and two nephews for a while. Everything worked out that they will stay with their mom. Which I guess is for the best. But I can't say i feel like i dodged a bullet. I actually feel quite opposite, I just really hink i could have done a lot of good for them. Farenheit 9/11 was quite what I expected. It swayed me towards Kerry even more. I can honestly say Bush makes me sick. The America that he is creating makes me sick. I'll probably get some FBI guys or something knocking at my door soon, if some crazy ass Bush supporter reads this. Beacause with that great Patriot Act Bush and his fella created, freedom of speech is now non-existant. And then there comes a law that says the media can legally tell lies without any reprocautions. Which is so convienatly brought to the table at election time. I really want to have hope for this country and the world for that matter. I want to think that things will get better and I will feel safe to bring a child into this world. Its funny Bush wants to make abortions illegal, even if the mom will die if she trys to give birth, but he just keeps doing things to make things worse around us. Kirk wants to leave this country behind, but I don't think we are really welcome in any other country. But can you really blame the other counties for hateing us. The wedding is getting closer. 7 monthes, 1 week to be exact. I can't wait. Kirk is so amazing, sometimes I don't really think he hears me when I tell him though. Its funny how quickly my moods can change. One minute I am fine , the next I just want Kirk to hold as I cry. But he always asks why. I don't know why, I just don't know.

I am so messed up....
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Sep. 30th, 2004 @ 11:42 pm Wedding bells will soon ring
Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: Mad World~ Gary Jules
Oh what a day!

I guess I should first tell you that last May, Kirk and I set a wedding date; May 27, 2005.  So over the last few months we hav been planning and researching and going to bridal shows, and today I did one of the best things ever.  I baught my wedding dress!!!  It is so gorgeous.  Man, I can't wait to be his wife.  I also made a decision on the brides maid dresses and Kirks little sister tried on flower girl dresses.  It was awesome. and she looked so adorable.  I can't believe we have almost everything planned. 


As for other aspects of my life,  Work is work.  I work with a lot of dumb bitches that will never amount to anything.  Their idea of a career is working on the trayline for 30 years.  Which is horriable when you work in a place where the only place you can go is up.  But I guess if you are not willing to better yourself it is your own damn problem.

And for school...  Well I am taking math ad photography this semester.  Both are going pretty good.  At the moment I have a 100% in my math class.  Which is awesome, cause I was totally freaked out about it in the beginning.  In my phtography class I am hitting a couple bumps but I guess I just need to be patient and it will all come back to me.  Plus it will help when i can get in the dark room with out being rushed.  When that happens I will be more relaxed and I am sure it will show in my prints.

The most interesting would be family i guess... well its all pretty much the same as always.  I am still almost constantly worried about my mom.  My dad is still an alcoholic, that swears he will be dead by the time my wedding comes around.  My sisters...well... my sisters are being themselves.  I still get depressed over Drew.  It will be two years since he passed away on thanksgiving this year.  It doesn't give me much to be thankful about I guess...

In honor of tonights debates I think I am going to leave you with a quote from a book I am reading.  1984 by, George Orwell.
"It does not matter whether the war is actually happening, and, since no decisive victory is possible, it does not matter whether the war is going well or badly.  All that is needed is that a state of war should exist."
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May. 25th, 2004 @ 10:37 pm WORK! WORK! WORK!
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Jewel : Stand
Well its been pretty much just work work work for me. And finally I have 3 days off. I had alot to celebrate in the beginning of the month. First it was my 3 year anniversary with Kirk the 28th of April, and then I turned 20 on the 6th of may. I also got a front row ticket to the go see Jewel, which if you know me, you know how incredibally great that is for me. However lately I feel like all I do now is work. Yes I know the wonderful world of being out on your own. But I think it would be the same even if I lived with my mother still. Kirk is not working right now so I am supporting both of us for the most part. But I don't mind, he took care of me last year. I like that we can support each other in hard times. He may have a job soon though, just waiting to hear back. Either way its ok, I know he will find something. The only sucky part about it is we are not really able to save up for the wedding but I guess that is life. And if anything this is truely getting us ready for married life. I think we were lucky in a way to have expaerienced this now, so we are ready for similar things that may happen in out future.

In July I plan to take a vacation from work, its paid and if I don't use the days they will just to waste so i figure why not. The question is will I go anywhere? I don't really. The most appealling thing right now is to just lock myself in the house and lock everyone else out. The human race can be so sickening these days.

Torture, war, sodimy, assasination, BUSH... in the big picture.
Fake ppl., angry ppl., STUPID ppl., immature 23 yr olds...jesus grow up...in the small picture.

I heard a good saying, when you feel the world is just absoulutly disgusting you say "The world is no more."

THE WORLD IS NO MORE.
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Mar. 14th, 2004 @ 09:16 pm YAAAAAAAAAAWN...
Current Mood: exhausted
Three days off and still I feel exhausted. I have been working so much lately , I worked 6 days in a row last week all 9 hour shifts, which isn't that bad if its a routine thing but i usually only work 16 hour a week. Come friday though all the pain will disappear as soon as I see the check. Hopefully I don't get raped by good ol' uncle sam.


I wish I could say that everything is all great and to be outside looking in and not knowing details then it would look that way. I have a great Job, a great car(although all my fault), I just got a house and have very low rent, and my class is going good. Kirk and I are Happy even with the occasional fight. I guess no matter how happy ppl lool there is always something there.

ah...whatever I don't know what I am bitching about, there are so many others that have it much worse.
I'll just go now...
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Mar. 14th, 2004 @ 09:16 pm (no subject)
Three days off and still I feel exhausted. I have been working so much lately , I worked 6 days in a row last week all 9 hour shifts, which isn't that bad if its a routine thing but i usually only work 16 hour a week. Come friday though all the pain will disappear as soon as I see the check. Hopefully I don't get raped by good ol' uncle sam.


I wish I could say that everything is all great and to be outside looking in and not knowing details then it would look that way. I have a great Job, a great car(although all my fault), I just got a house and have very low rent, and my class is going good. Kirk and I are Happy even with the occasional fight. I guess no matter how happy ppl lool there is always something there.

ah...whatever I don't know what I am bitching about, there are so many others that have it much worse.
I'll just go now...
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Feb. 6th, 2004 @ 11:33 am ...
Current Mood: blank
Referring to the last entry...I never went. It was all planned for Kirk to take me, and when it came time I couldn't. It felt like I was getting ready for his funeral again, it became increasingly hard to bear as I prpared to leave. And when the time came I broke down, I couldn't do it, and I couldn't go. His birthday is in eleven days, he would be four...


Alot has been going on I got into a car accident a couple weeks ago. On the expressway, weather was bad, lost control of my car, spun out and hit some ladys car and then into the ditch. It was quite adventerous...well not really, just trying to put a positive spin on it.

We are moving soon, finally Monday the town house will be ours. Its going to be so great going from an apartment to a house. I never want to live in an apartment again. I mean we're going to have 2 bedrooms and a basement.All new carpet and freshly painted walls. Its so wonderful.

My sister is about to have her baby. Another boy. He is due on Drews birthday, well that was one due date they gave her, the other was the day before. Pretty much all the kids share a birthday with someone else in the family, it makes me wonder if she'll have him on his birthday. I guess I'll just have to wait to find out.
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Nov. 29th, 2003 @ 02:55 pm A Letter...
Current Mood: sad
Dearest Drew,

You have been gone for a year now and it still doesn't seem right. It still feels as though everyone else should have stopped liveing the day that you left us. The world lost someone great that day and they should know. Everyone keeps telling me they see you, but I do not beleive them. I only see you in my dreams and memories, so maybe they are confused. I keep sayng I am going to come see you but then I don't. I am sorry, I become afraid of what it might do to me. I know that is selfish, but is been so hard. I keep wanting to scream but I can't I open my mouth and not a sound comes out. Someday I wish that I would just explode so that everything can just come out. All the anger and sadness.
You would be almost three now, running around and talking. I would finally get to hear you say my name, I have to admit that is one of the things that saddne me most. I never heasrd you say my name. Before it didn't matter, you didn't even have to talk , just smile and you got what you wanted. Lately I have been thinking about the last day I seen you, I hold that memory so dear. YOu were in your highchair waiting to make a mess with your spaghetti dinner. I had to go home and I gave you a kiss goodbye, but when I got to the door you turned and looked at me with this huge smile on your face and I just had to give you another kiss. EverytimeI got to the door to leave you wouild do the same thing and I would fall for it everytime. I just couldn't leave. It took me so long to get out the door. I should have never left you. I would do anything to go back in time so I could just stay with you that night until you fell asleep. But I can't, So I will just promise you that I will be there sunday. I promise.

I Love You,
Aune Sammy
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Jul. 9th, 2003 @ 02:20 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: contemplative
I saw his face last night...on a little boy who was on a commercial. I was up by myself so i couldn't ask kirk if he saw it too, and i haven't seen it since, so i haven't been able to look again. so now i am left with not knowing if it was pure coincidence or if the liitle boy really does resemble Drew.

I cry to much lately. Most of the time over nothing at all....or atleast it seems. Do you know what it feels like to be fine one minute and tears fighting there way out of your eyes the next. I say fighting there way out because i try to hold it in. I hold it in because i can't just let a river of tears start flowing at a wedding reception that has me surrounded by 250 people. I hold it in becasue it doesn't make sence for me to just start crying out of nowhere. But then there are times when Kirk catches a tear running down my face and those are the times that no matter how hard i fight the tears always seem to win. When he takes me into his arms I am safe to let go. And I do. Sometimes so much that I get to the point that I just don't want to cry anymore.

Then I ask myself.... when did I become the person that crys? I never use to, although I was the youngest I was always the one to not cry. I was the "strong" one. I put strong in qoutations because maybe not crying didn't make me the strong one. Maybe it made me the weak one. I don't know, maybe if i didn't hold it in all of those years then it would be easier for me to deal with now. But how do I know for sure? I don't. Because maybe I didn't have anything to cry about all those years. But... I don't think I believe that either. Maybe I just refused to cry in front of people. I know i very seldom did.

Just before Drew was born his older cousin passed away and then some 2 days later I got a phone call at work saying that a man I grew up with as a second father had commited suicide. That made two people that were close to us gone. Its an old belief that death comes in three. Drew's mother..(my sister) had been having a difficult pregnancy and they believed it would be a high risk delivery. I was so afraid something was going to happen to one of them, that one of them would be the third...... I was in New York when he was born, living out a dream. But everything went fine.

21 monthes later at 1:15 am I got another call. That night stays in my memory, sometimes going through over and over...only its like it all happened in strobe lights. I can only see bits and pieces. And maybe its better that way. But i can not be sure.
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May. 26th, 2003 @ 10:07 pm (no subject)
iT SEEMS LIKE TIME IS GOING BY SO FAST LATELY. iT'S LIKE IT WAS JUST LAST WEEK THAT I GRADUATED AND HERE IT IS ALMOST A YEAR LATER. a YEAR LATER AND I HAVEN'T EVEN GONE BACK REALLY TO VISIT, THERE ARE A LOT OF PPL I MISS. SEEMS KINDA CHILDISH, MAYBE, BUT MAYBE NOT. a COUPLE PPL I DIDN'T EVEN SAY GOOD BYE TO. tHERE ARE TIMES THAT I THINK ABOUT SOME OF THE TEACHERS THAT I HAVE HAD IN THE PAST AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO BECOME ONE, IN HOPE THAT I COULS REACH A KID OR KIDS THAT WAY THAT SOME OF THEM DID ME. aND I WONDER IF ANY OF THEM KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY DO FOR THEIR STUDENTS. mAYBE I SHOULD WRITE THEM AND LET THEM KNOW.
mAYBE....

yESTERDAY WAS SIX MONTHS, AND DREW WAS ON MY MIND MORE THEN USUAL. dUCKYS GRANDMA SLIPPED UP AND CALLED HIM DREW TODAY, PROLLY MEANING HER GRANDSON DREW AND NOT OUR DREW, HOWEVER IT STILL STRUCK ME BECAUSE REALLY WHEN DREW WAS HERE HIM AND DUCKY WERE ON OF THE SAME, EVEN AT THEIR YOUNG AGES WHEN THEY WERE TOGETHER THEY SEEMED ODDLY INSEPERATABLE AND JUST WATCHING THEM YOU KNEW IF GIVEN THE CHANCE THEY WOULD HAVE GREW TO HAVE A BOND SO MANY PPL ONLY DREAMED OF HAVING WITH SOMEONE. iT ALWAYS MAKES ME SMILE JUST THINKING ABOUT THOSE TWO.

i HAVE MOVED A MILE AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND I MIND AS WELL HAVE MOVED TO ANOTHER STATE. i THINK I MIGHT AFTER KIRK AND I FINISH SCHOOL AND GET MARRIED. iT MIGHT DO ME SOME GOOD, I WOULD JUST HATE BEING AWAY FROM ALL THE BABIES. WELL THEY'RE NOT ALL ACTUAL BABIES NOW. i DON'T KNOW ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

tIME WILL TELL EVERYTHING, TIME IS THE ONLY ON THAT TRUELY SHOWS THE TRUE FUTURE.
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May. 6th, 2003 @ 11:03 pm ITS MY BIRTHDAY I CAN CRY IF I WANT TO........
ANOTHER YEAR OLDER....YIPEE!!!

IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY AND IT IS MY BIRTHDAY SO YOU WOULD THINK I WOULD BE HAPPY. AND FOR PART OF THE DAY I WAS BUT FOR A LOT OF IT I WASN'T. I KEEP FALLING INTO THESE CRAZY DEPRESSION STREAKS AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS CAUSING THEM. THEY CAUSE HORRIBLE MOOD SWINGS. I NEED TO LEARN A WAY TO ESCAPE, MENTALLY. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT THROUGH SOME SUBSTANCE.

ONLY TWO OUT OF FOUR OF MY SISTERS CALLED ME TODAY TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I EXPECTED THREE OF THEM TO CALL, BUT SMALL THINGS LIKE THIS HELP BRING THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE. I'M GETTING SO SICK OF EVERYTHING BEING "IF YOU SCRATCH MY BACK I'LL SCRATCH YOURS". I'M TIRED OF A LOT OF THINGS.

SO AS I HAVE TOLD YOU BEFOR I HAVE A WEB SITE. CAN YOU BELIEVE THERE WAS ACTUALLY SERIOUS DISCUSSION ABOUT PEOPLE SUEING. LIKE A SEARIOUS THREAT. ITS A DAMN WEB SITE
THAT HAS GOTTEN LIKE 400 HITS. ITS NOT EVEN REGISTERED ON GOOGLE, GIVE ME A DAMN BREAK. I COULD COME ON HERE AND SAY WHATEVER I WANT AND MORE PPL HAVE ACCESS TO IT. AND WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO SUE ME FOR WRITING IN MY JOURNAL?? I CAN SAY I CAN'T BELIEV I ACTUALLY USED TO LOOK UP TO SHALYN SHE IS SO REPULSING TO ME NOW.

THERE WAS A HUGE STORM THE OTHER NIGHT. I COULDN'T HELP BUT LAY IN MY BED AND THINK OF DREW AS I LISTENED. THEN I WAS HOLDING BLAKE IN MY LAP AMD PLAYING WITH HIM AND FOR SOME REASON OUT OF NO WHERE I CALLED HIM DREWEY. I MISS HIM SO MUCH.
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Apr. 30th, 2003 @ 07:16 pm .......................................................
Current Mood: blah
LESS THEN A WEEK UNTIL THE BIG 19 FOR ME. I COULD GO TO CANANDA AND GET PLASTERED BUT I WON'T. I NEVER REALLY SEEN THE POINT OF JUST GETTING PLASTERED FOR THE POINT OF JUST GETTING PLASTERED..IF THAT MAKES SENCE. IT WAS NEVER REALLY MY THING AND ENDED UP DISTANCING ME FROM MORE PPL THEN I WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT IT WOULD. BUT OH WELL HIGH SCHOOL WAS HIGH SCHOOL AND NOW WE MOVE ON.

I RAN INTO AN OLD FRIEND TODAY, SHE JOINED THE ARMY. ASKED HOW IT WAS GOING FOR ME. AND ONCE AGAIN I HAD TO TELL ANOTHER PERSON I DIDN'T DO IT. IT BOTHERS ME MORE THEN I LET PPL KNOW. IN A WAY I FEEL I FAILED MYSELF. IT REALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD THING FOR ME, ONE BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF, TWO BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO TRUELY BE ON MY OWN AND AWAYS FROM EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING, AND THREE, ALTHOUGH KIRK WAS THE ONE PERSONI DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE BEHIND I THOUGH IT WAS GOING TO BE A REALLY GOOD THING FOR US. THAT IT WOULD BE THE TRUE TEST OF OUR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER, ONE I AM SURE WE WOULD HAVE PASSED.

I GOT A NEW JOB AND I HOPE IT WORKS OUT. IT IS SELLING THINGS AND I HATE SELLING THINGS BUT HOPEFULLY IT WILL BE OK.

I HAVE BEEN A ROLLERCOASTER LATELY, I HATE IT. AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT IS COMING FROM. IS IT WRONG TO BE DISGUSTED BY YOUR FAMILY. IS IT WRONG TO SHARE YOUR FAMILY STORIES ON THE INTERNET. I HAVE A WEBSITE THAT JUST DOES THAT. INTHE FIRST MONTH OF IT BEING UP THERE WAS ALREADY TALK ABOUT PPL SUEING ME. LOL....HOW FUNNY IS THAT. MORE RECENTLY I WAS TOLD I WAS CLASSLESS FOR DOING IT. AND THAT I ONLY DID IT TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER. BUT THATS NOT TRUE, I DO AS A WAY TO VENT. THERE ARE OFTEN THINGS I NEED TO SAY AND WHEN IN PERSON I CAN NOT. MOST LIKELY BECAUSE WHERE I AM, I AM NEVER IN MY OWN HOME AND IT WOULD BE DIS RESPECTFUL TO CAUS EPROBLEMS IN SOMEONE ELSES HOME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO YOU THINK.

WELL I AM OFF.
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Mar. 1st, 2003 @ 12:03 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: BONNIE RAITT - SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT
THINGS HAVE BEEN KINDA OF CRAZY LATELY.

MY SISTER GOT PIIED OFF AT ME BECAUSE I COULDN'T LOAN HER $3,000. WHICH DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENCE SEEING THAT SHE HAS TWO NICELY PAYING JOBS AND I AM UNEMPLOYED AT THE MOMENT. BUT IMSTEAD OF GETTING ALL BOTHERED BY IT I JUST SAID FUCK HER. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR PETTY PEOPLE ANYWAYS.

ME AND KIRK HAD BEEN FIGHTING. IT WAS A REALLY BIG ONE THIS TIME. I THINK IT MAY OF STARTED A WHILE AGO AND JUST KEPT BUILDING UP. WELL ALL COLLAPSED THIS PAST WEEK. FOR A COUPLE DAYS WE DIDN'T EVEN TALK. THERE WAS MUCH AKWARD SILENCE AND DISTANCE BETWEEN US. AT TIMES I REALLT THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE THE ONE. THE ONE THAT JUST PUSHED US BOTH OVER THE TOP. i THOUGHT IT WAS ALL GONNA BE OVER. AND IT CAME DEADLY CLOSE. HE WANTED ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN BEING A COP AND HAVING A FAMILY. i COULDN'T DO AND TOLD HIM THAT I WOULDN'T. I TOLD HIM I WAS GONNA HAVE BOTH AND NOW THE DECISION WAS UP TO HIM. IT WAS SCARY BUT I HAD TO DO IT. AND AS YOU SEE WE ARE STILL TOGETHER SO THAT IS SETTLED.

THE OTHER NIGHT WE STAYED UP TIL 4 AM WORKING ON MY WEB PAGE. HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO MAKE ONE. IT WAS COOL AND REALLY FUN. ITS ACTUALLY THE FIRST THING I HAVE BEEN EXTREMELY EXCITED ABOUT IN A LONG TIME. THE PAGE GIVES LATEST NEWS, SOME COOL LOINKS AND SOME FUNNY FAMILY STORIES...TRUE OF COURSE. CHECK IT OUT WHEN YOU GET A MIN. I AM SURE YOU WILL ENJOY. WWW.GEOCITIES.COM/SGMUNKIBIZNESS I AM SURE YOU WILL SOME LAUGHS OUT OF IT.

I HAVE A MUSCLE IN MY BACK THAT REFUSES TO UNTIGHTEN. IT EVEN HUTRS WHEN I BREATH IN. IT SUCKS. KIRK TRIED FOR LIKE A HALF HOUR LAST NIGHT TO RUB IT LOOSE AND HE DID SUCCEED EXCEPT IT TIGHTENED RIGHT BACK UP. SO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM GOING TO DO ABOUT IT. BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS, IT HURTS. OH WELL I GUESS ITS A HEATING BAD AND PAIN PILS FOR ME.

THATS ALL FOR ME FOLKS...UNTIL NEXT TIME!
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Feb. 2nd, 2003 @ 11:05 pm screamin where no one can hear me.........
ITS FUNNY HOW TEARS SEEM TO STAIN YOUR FACE......

I FEEL LIKE I AM GOIN CRAZY, MY HEAD IS POUNDING, MY CHEST HURTS, ALL FROM A CRYING FIT THAT DID ALL BUT SENT ME INTO CONVOULSIONS. FOR SOME REASON I HAVE SO MUCH ANGER INSIDE OF ME. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF IT. I JUST WANT TO HIT SOMETHING OR THROW SOMETHING, I NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO RELEASE IT. BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.

I NEED A FUCKING JOB. EITHER NO ONE WILL HIRE ME OR I CAN'T EVEN APPLY FOR THE DAMN JOB BECAUSE OF SCHOOL AND THE FUCKED HOURS I HAVE CLASS.

I NEED TO JUST KICK MY ASS OUT OF THIS DEPRESSION STATE THAT I AM IN, I WISH IT WAS AS EASILY DONE AS IT IS SAID.

I WISH IT WOULD ALL LEAVE MY HEAD, JUST GO AWAY, TURN THE REPLAY SWITCH OFF.
BUT IT WON'T.....
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Jan. 16th, 2003 @ 11:10 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: I WILL REMEMBER YOU : SARAH MCLAUGHLIN
ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WROTE LAST. A LOT HAS BEEN GOIN ON. I FINALLY STARTED SCHOOL AND FOR NOW THAT IS GOIN PRETTY WELL. I NO LONGER HAVE A JOB AND MONEY IS REALLY TIGHT, THANK GOD FOR KIRK OR ELSE I WOULD BE SCREWED. LATELY I HAVE TRIED VERY HARD TO KEEP A POSITIVE OUTLOOK ON THINGS BUT SOMETIMES IT IS JUST TOO HARD.

NOVEMBER 26 AT 1:15 IN THE MORNING I GOT A PHONE CALL THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE ME. IT WILL FOREVER HAUNT ME AND THE MOMENT WILL FOREVER BE IN MY MIND, FLASHING IN AND OUT LIKE A MOMENT IN A STROBE LIGHT. THAT IS WHAT IT IS LIKE, I ONLY REMEMBER BITS AND PIECES OF IT, I FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER STOP CRYING ON THE INSIDE. I FEEL QUILTY FOR TRYING TO GO ON LIVING MY LIFE WITHOUT HIM. AND THEN AT TIMES IT ALL STILL FEELS LIKE A DREAM. I KNOW THERE IS NO WAY TO GET HIM BACK. EVERYONE THAT WAS IN HIS LIFE SHOULD BE FILLED WITH REGRET. REGRET THAT THEY DIDN'T CHECK ON HIM MORE OFTEN, THAT THEY DIDN'T SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIM, THAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE MORE PATIENTS WITH HIM. HE WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CHILD, WITH LIFE IN HIS EYES AND AND THA SUNSHINE IN HIS SMILE. AND HE WAS MY HURRICANE. I LOVE HIM THAT WILL NEVER GO AWAY. HE IS IN MY HEART, HE WILL NEVER GO AWAY......
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Dec. 15th, 2002 @ 09:12 pm A FALL THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO END.......
Current Mood: depressed
I USED TO TREASURE THE TIME THAT I HAD TO BE ALONE BY MYSELF. TIME WHERE I COULD DO WHATEVER I WANTED.......NOW I DREAD IT. I CAN'T REALLY EXPLAIN IT ANYMORE. I REALLY THOUGH I WOULD JUST HIT ROCK BOTTOM BY NOW. ATLEAST THEN I COULD BEGING TO WORK MY WAY BACK UP. BUT NO I JUST KEEP FALLING AND FALLING INTO WWHATEVER IT IS THAT IS OVER POWERING ME. I AM SUPPOSE TO BE THE STRONG ONE. WHY CAN'T I HANDLE THINGS ANYMORE. WHEN KIRK IS AT WORK I GO TO MY MOMS SO I DON'T HAVE TO BE ALONE...I DON'T THINK HE UNDERSTANDS IT, HE GETS UPSET WHEN HE CAN'T GET AHOLD OF ME. HOWEVER I DO UNDERSTAND WHERE HE COMES FROM I JUST WISH HE COULD UNDERSTAND WHERE I COME FROM. HE REALLY DOES TRY TO BE THERE FOR ME BUT I HATE PUTTING MY PROBLEMSON OTHER PEOPLE. SO AS I SIT BY MYSELF I JUST CRY. JUST FOR SOME REASON SOEMTHING WILL TRIGGER IT .....MANY TIMES I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS. ALL I WANT IS TO GAIN CONTROL. I WISH IT WAS POSSILBLE TO GET AWAY FROM ONES SELF. I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE ME ANYMORE. I TRY TO WORK HARD BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO GET5 DONE. I MISS HIM SO MUCH, I FIND MYSELF EXPECTING HIM TO BE AT MY MOMS WHEN I STOP BY. HE HAD SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SMILE. AND THEN I SEE MY SISTER AND ALL THE PAIN SHE IS GOING THROUGH. I WISH I COULD TAKE HER PAIN AWAY, JUST GIVE IT TO ME. BUT I CAN'T....I JUST STAND THERE HELPLESS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR TO SAY. I HAVE NEVER BEEN GOOD AT THAT. AND I AM SO ANGRY I WANT TO THROW SOMETHING OR HIT SOMETHING BUT THERE IS NOTHING. I FEEL TRAPPED LIKE I'M TIED DOWN WITH NO ONE THERE TO HELP ME.RIGHT NOW I HATE LIFE MORE THEN I EVER HAVE. I CAN'T GET THE VISIONS OUT OF MY HEAD. THE PHRASES. "HE WAS ONLY HERE ON LOAN".....FUCK THAT HE ISNT A PIECE OF PROPERTY...LOAN...LIKE HE WAS A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL OR SOMETHING. HE WAS A BABY, A BODY, SOUL, AND SPIRIT. HE WAS OUR BABY. WHY DID HE HAVE TO LEAVE? WHY WAS THERE NO WARNING? NO TIME TO SAY GOOD BYE? I AM SO ANGRY , I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO LOSE IT. HOW DO YOU ASK FOR HELP WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHO CAN HELP YOU. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. I JUST WISH IT WAS A DREAM. ALL A DREAM. HE WAS MY LITTLE HURRICANE......HURRICANE DREW. I'LL NEVER FORGET HIM. I'LL NEVER STOP LOVING HIM. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. HOW DO YOU EXCEPT SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

WHEN WILL I SEE THE BOTTOM?
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